I am an Atheist

Just saw a disturbing picture of a devilish persona with his dagger in the air moments before slaying a small buffalo in so called the greatest Gadimai Mela. The scene around was no more than a battle field with detached heads scattered in pool of blood. I cant stop wondering how prosperous, how wealthy and contended the butcher would be succeeding in killing thousands of innocent animals. Nepalese are in fact, sheepish in nature. I had once read a story about a herd of sheep crossing a bridge. One of those falls into the river and the colleagues follow by no matter what lies at front- the inevitable death.

I have always advocated against slaughtering of animals in the name of sacrifice viewed at an orthodox standpoint. Nepal may be one of the few countries with innumerable temples and deities. Conserving and preserving them is one part but such practices are no more than blind beliefs. I always believed that devotion to Gods is nothing if it is not based on noble thoughts. Those folks are only sheep in lambs clothing as they never practice what they preach. Its just like: Fool to others, to himself a sage. But as I often believe-A big world, millions of characters with billions of beliefs. This is only a tiny anecdote while thousands of such malpractices are rampant throughout.

Black Day

There come some moments in life when you know you are heading wrong but the subconscious part of brain induces you to proceed further undermining the horrific outcomes associated. Moving back the memory lane, I want to remember some of the black days of my life. Thankfully, those are the gone days and every one of them failed to preoccupy the brain. From breaking my arms twice to undergoing a fatal collision with a rickshaw while in plus two, they were quite memorable incidents to think of. Still, life has not been plagued by such 'minor' incidents and moving forward with an energy of whirlwind and passion.

Here I stop to think of any further days of despair and this must be something to cheer about. Talk about some of my friends. The roller coaster ride of life they have travelled shadows the hardships I have suffered. This may not mean blowing my own trumpet, laughing at their failures. How beautiful the earth would have been to see each of us being basked in glory for our achievements, for all the heavenly pleasures and the elation to see all our wishes fulfilled. But these are only science fictions- excitement to think of but impossible in reality.

Today was one of the black days of my life, but thankfully, it was only a few hundred pounds of monetary loss. I am not sad or repenting to what happened. There are certain things in life that are inevitable and pre-destined. Ifs and buts would only add fuel to the fire but the sanity lies in burying them dead. Decades of time is in store for me to compensate the monetary loss I suffered. It was something funny to think of too. Anyway, tomorrow is the new day to start with my assignments.

Tribute to my Grandpa..

In the backdrop of dense woods lies a tiny village with houses miles apart but sharing a common community. I am talking about my birthplace the peculiarity of which savours my mind whenever loneliness hunts my psyche. The memory goes back to the childhood when my grandpa made a swing for me to welcome Dashain. He took me to the nearby 'dhara' for shower, lied me down on his towel, fed me milk, narrated stories of his highs and lows, took me along for memorable walks. Yes, he was the man whom I always respected for his innocence, for his enormous sense of humour and the affectionate smiles he shared to enlighten my face in times of despair. He just passed away but I always wanted to see him last time before he fell apart in months old struggle between life and death.

I cant remember me shedding tears in anyone's death so far. Neither I cried on hearing the news of his demise. Months back when I saw his pathetic picture, tears rolled down my cheeks. I only have the memories of the informations I got about his poor health before he passed away. I remember him murmuring my name on phone when I tried to talk to him. Having paralysed on bed for over a month with blood cancer being covered with worsening wound covering his face, he finally rested in peace. I remember him taking me to Swayambhu during my first ever visit to Kathmandu, buying a coke for me. I still remember him admiring my intelligence to find the rented room in Gaushala when he felt difficulty in finding it. He was the father who made all his four sons graduate at a time when others were engaged in farming. For me, he was a man of wisdom though himself uneducated.

He is no more now, nowhere in sight, none of his voices would echo in the rugged terrains of the village. His sincerity, the value he gave for education would always inspire me to work on my dreams. His simplicity, honesty, straight forward nature would remind me of that old man who faced number of ups and downs during his eight decades of living. I now have only the sweet old memories of going with him to the cowshed for milking cow. His memories would never fade apart in my eternal journey of living. May his soul rest in peace in heaven.

Memory down the lane...

Life's mystery determined by times of jubilations and frustrations often lead us back to the horizon where once uncertainty reigned supreme over confidence, dilemma outweighed predicament. Very rarely do tears trickle down my cheeks but the last one turned memorable. Browsing through the old word files, I came across the note I wrote down after being disgruntled for being denied the VISA. I came back home disheartened, gloomy faced. I could not control my tears, I sobbed silently. It was a deafening cry. Here are the excerpts of the post-traumatic feelings:

Someone has rightly said that life is not often the warm and mellow tones of the cello. Some incidents that occur in this short journey compel us to encircle ourselves in an atmosphere of apprehension and nervousness. Come what may, we try to evade ourselves from such aching memories but something that remains hidden into the core of heart is never easy to get rid of.

I still remember the day when my happiness knew no bounds. I was jubilant and ecstatic to hear the news. What a day that was. My story of success was announced among a swarm of photographers and journalists. How can I forget the day when I was engulfed in fear and trembling having to receive such a prestigious award. I was awarded 100% full scholarship to study in London for two years, through an organization that has been working in the field of social welfare in Nepal and many other countries. This story of my success later turned tragic when I was denied the VISA on the ground that I could not prove that I was financially strong though I had presented the required documents which proved my financial capability.

It may not be sensible for me to cry over the split milk. I have no option but to contend myself but one thing is sure that having to receive scholarship has been one of the most heinous crimes I have ever committed in my entire life. I have been palm sweatingly terror struck by the horrible news that compelled me to pass many sleepless nights. I have no any complains or whatsoever towards anybody. I was tagged with the medal of a scholarship holder but have been denied the fruit of my success that was purely due to dint of my hard labor.

I can’t figure out any moral from my own story. But, one thing I have learnt is to expect the best but be prepared for the worst too. Should a quality education be the monopoly of only the handfuls? Should Scholarships be granted looking at one’s Bank Balance or other assets? UK has been rooted into my heart not because of the thriving cities and the skyscrapers. I am more than satisfied with what I have and where I am. I would have contributed my country a lot had I got an opportunity to acquire a universally recognized British degree.

We may encounter such traumatic moments anywhere in our lives. A typical Nepali is never free from hardships and misfortunes. Greats are those who learn from mistakes and never panic in extreme situations. Above all; we have no yesterdays, time took them away. We may not have tomorrow but we have today. We ought to believe that winds and waves are always on the sides of ablest navigators, and never turn back from our goals. This is what I learnt from my own experience.

Here I go...

Seeing the picture of a night life of Thamel reminds me of some of the past moments that I had undergone through while my stay back in Nepal. Though I am not a nocturnal freak, the rare night outings would provide me the joy of orgasm, the ecstasy of watching night stars and the hustle and bustle of markets. I remember the night out with my fellow friends, partying out, returning home late night intoxicated with 'tolerable' drinks. I also remember the night when I danced with my friends on the eve of New Year at Thamel. The latest was the first experience of the kind as is against my nature to participate in wild parties.

The night spent at a hotel along with three other friends at Manakamana was memorable too, not to mention the rare walk at the abandoned streets of Panauti or the return from a party at UWTC that is still etched on my mind as a fresh morning dew. Venturing out at the middle of the dead night along the narrow walks of Old Baneshwor reminds me of the last world cup football. The experience also involves the nights when I used to be riveted with the feeling of fear and anxiety for having to return home from Shangri-La at pitch dark night, avoiding the sounds of scary street greyhounds.

The joy to be at home highly outweighs the professional life burdened with works n studies at a faraway place. It seems like yesterday but its been nearly 2 years since I last enjoyed the panorama of homeland's beauty. It often hounds my brain the necessity to grave the life's pleasures in a pit of burden, responsibilities and accountabilities. The other part of brain consoles me to work on my career, to foresee a bright future on the horizon. Future is uncertain but still, I am happy, contended and pursuing my own way of life.

Mixed Feelings

I am feeling fresher and jubilant. I can remember myself going through uneasiness and depression yesterday but my moody nature brought me back to normality. I am euphoric and over the moon. I am reinvigorated and re-energised, listening to the best songs I have ever heard, bringing back those past cherishing moments into memory, digging all the melancholic moments into the grave. Yes, indeed: I am what I was and what I want to be.

Being faraway from all the near and dear ones, I have learned and adapted to survive on memories. Being occupied and engaged almost round the clock, I utilise the rare but wonderful spare times diving into my own e-world. Here I remember the famous Danish soft rock band-Michael Learns to Rock (MLTR), whose song I am currently listening to. Every time I hear their song, the past memories strike my mind. I picturise those fun-filled school days in mind.

I am also remembering the love I had with Kathmandu while staying away from the capital. Having visited it for the first time while in summer vacation during class one and the next back during class 6, the dream to see the Kathmanduites hanging around in parks and busy roads often thrilled myself while spending the schooling in Biratnagar. Funny as it may sound now, I used to stare at buses plying towards Kathmandu from Biratnagar fanatically driving myself into the thoughts of being inside it some day. I thought those drivers and conductors to be lucky enough to daily visit the 'mesmerising city' (I thought at least during those days). May be due to the immense love I had towards Kathmandu, I still remember everything-the places I visited, the people I talked to, the museum, temples-everything during this first ever visit. Had stayed for a month in Gaushala. I even remember the name of bus that took me to my dream city for the first time-Satkar Travels, the blue and white striped bus (If I remember correctly). The whole night I gazed and gazed out of window, saw the trees pass by. I also remember myself peeing out of the moving bus while on return. Funny was it indeed. Still, I love Kathmandu-the entrepreneurial hub and a bustling city apart from all the negatives.

Nostalgia...Me n my frens..

A friend in need is a friend indeed. Friendship is that refining fire that converts loneliness into togetherness, times of difficulties into times of hope and excellence. The only unadulterated and untainted relationship that seems to exist is between friends who count both in times of difficulties and ecstasy, being an underdog to conquering the pinnacle. Life is long and during its course, a number of friends come and go. Some retain the friendship longer while others vanish like flash floods only to appear in another season. At times we stumble along country lanes only to bump into someone whom we met decades and years earlier. The memories of the past glow our heart with shock and disbelief, excitement and elation. Some of the friends we walked and worked with for years may not be approachable ever in the future or some unknowns may enter into our lives as the greatest of friends near future. Unpredictable as the nature is. I want to remember those greatest of friends who I spent years with, who influenced my life, animated my face at times of grief and distress, pleasure and satisfaction, wishing them a grand and prosperous journeys ahead in whatever directions they are heading into.

The song that makes me feel your presence around me...

I had said I would remember the song whenever I miss you deeply. Today, I missed you and the song came to my mind-the song we sang together...felt it together. We might never repeat our glorious history but whenever I miss you again, I would listen to this song and feel you around me. You would be closer to me at least in memories..

If I got down on my knees and I pleaded with you

If I crossed a million oceans just to be with you

Would you ever let me down?

If I climbed the highest mountain just to hold you tight

If I said that I would love you every single night

Would you ever let me down?

Well I'm sorry if it sounds kinda sad, it's just that

Worried, so worried

that you let me down

Because I love you love you

love so don't let me down

If I swam the longest river just to call your name

If I said the way I feel for you would never change

Would you ever fool around

Well I'm sorry if it sounds kinda bad, just that

Worried, cuz' I'm so worried

that you let me down

Because I love you…

Heartly Dedication

There also comes a time in life, the period filled with gloom, despair and helplessness. The heart begs and pleads for something but the inner instincts fail to take the timely decision. This helplessness leads into the arena where one has no choice but to act as a mere spectator, to see the tears rolling down but failing to stop the flow though wanting to.

The past memories bring delight and ecstasy. The nostalgia of togetherness pomp the heart with excitement and rejuvenation. At least for a second or two, the tears-the outcome of sadness convert into the tears of blissfulness. The drama ends with the heart ripped off, the aspirations dashed, dreams shattered and the lonesome days in horizon. The insult is further added to the injury by more dramatic misfortunes, ill-fated and wretched journeys in sight.

Who is the winner or the loser in this dramatic array of events? None is the answer. But the only way to overcome this grief-stricken time is to conquer it. On one hand there is an utter desire, the will for ultimate unison, overcoming the hindrances. On the middle lies the obstructive wall-impenetrable and immensely thick wall. The other side is the bystander mesmerised by the immense beauty but in an utter dilemma to reach into it owing to a number of stumbling blocks and barriers. The outcome: unknown, the only way ahead-Wait and Watch! Congratulation to the time for getting ahead-far ahead, leaving the followers in agony. Commiserations to the players of the drama with due and heartly respect to the one who sacrifices more, who lets go more tears in this tragical analogy. The bystander would forever be in the debt of honour and gratitude for the former.